[Arashi] [Sakumiya] Overthinking

[radhaj]

Rating: PG
Disclaimer: Those people are not mine. Damn.
Warnings: uhm.... nothing, really
Summary: A casual conversation with Jun sends Nino on quite some trip through his thoughts and emotions.
Note: There is no real climax to this story. You've been warned. It's just this calm little piece that I had to get off of my mind.
Also yeah let's just pretend I didn't not post in forever >_>

Overthinking

The thing that sets the whole mess off is a conversation with Jun, which they have as Nino is pouring over the script for his drama. The slightly older of the two is just trying to obscurely fish out some more info about how it had been, filming with Takeuchi Yuko, when Jun gets tired of not-so-obscurely teasing and laughing at him for it and changes the subject.

“You have Maru with you this time, right? How’s that working out?” he asks, absentmindedly flipping his fingers through the manga he is reading, and Nino shrugs.

“He’s just being Maru,” he drawls, turning a page and lazily skipping through the scene that barely involves him with his eyes, “Nothing new there. Just another Johnny to share a set with,” he finishes dismissively and Jun hums in agreement.

“Still, it’s nice to have an actual friend there sometimes. Sort of easier to relax,” he adds thoughtfully, his mind obviously somewhere else (probably back to filming Hanadan with Shun) and Nino actually looks up from the pages in his hands to raise an eyebrow at his bandmate.

“It’s Maru,” he repeats, very pointedly, and Jun actually throws his head back, his Adam’s apple bouncing merrily as he laughs.

“You have a point there,” he agrees simply, once the chuckles finally subside.

“In any case,” Nino speaks up again, more seriously, “From the standpoint of comradery on set, I don’t think there’s a chance that anything will ever beat Yamatarou for me,” he concludes nostalgically and Jun nods understandingly, starting to search for his place in the manga again, since he let it close accidentally during their talk.

“Sometimes I still marvel at the fact that the management allowed it,” he comments after a silent minute or so and Nino, who thought their conversation to be over, startles, looking up at the other man curiously.

“Why? It’s not that unusual for actual bandmates to star together, is it?”

“I meant letting you do the drama itself, not casting the two of you in it together,” Jun explains as if it was obvious and Nino frowns, thinking back to the comedic series and trying to understand what Jun is hinting at, then. It was fun, and the plot had been innocent and ridiculous and filming it had felt more like a game than work half of the time what with all the giggling kids running around and Sho present, ready to take care of everything less pleasant that came up. Sensing the confusion in his silence, Jun looks up and his free hand makes random gestures in the air emphatically as he talks, “You know, with how obvious Sho’s character was and the general homosexual vibes that the show gave off. Everyone was smitten with Yamada, and considering how icky JE usually is with anything of the sort that isn’t fan-service, letting one of their own play someone who’s obviously in love with a man… I just found it a little out of character for our beloved company's homophobic tendencies, that’s all.”

Nino blinks, now feeling stupid. Sure, Mimura’s friendship with Yamada was special in the drama, but the rich boy was just supposed to be kind and caring for his friend, right? There had not been any homoerotic subtext for those two, unless Nino remembers wrongly. And Oshibori-kun was not one of JE’s own, so his role’s obvious crush didn’t matter in this context.

“I don’t think it was meant that way. Have you been listening to the fangirls a bit too much, J?” he asks teasingly, trying to disagree without outright telling his friend that he is wrong. Jun tended not to take that very well, “You know they’ll read that crap out of anything. Mimura was just a friend that was being grateful to the person that had helped him get his head out of his rich ass, not anything more than that,” he states, feeling quite assured of being right, but Jun’s answering snort shakes that confidence instantly.

“Don’t tell me the ignorance of your character leaked into you, Kazu?” the younger idol asks, laughter obvious in his voice, “The guy did everything for Yamada. Sure, it was never stated outright, but it was obviously written in if you read even slightly between the lines. How many “just friends” do you have that go to such great lengths for you, mm?”

The question, or rather the obvious emphasis on the phrase “just friends”, makes Nino freeze.

“None, right?” Jun laughs at him again, “Mimura was in love with Yamada, and everyone but Yamada and, apparently, you, knew it. And that always made me wonder,” he explains as Nino, for some reason, is unable to tell his younger friend that he has misinterpreted his silent non-answer.

The person playing Mimura has always been as caring towards him as his character had been in the drama, and Nino is so used to Sho’s kindness that he never even thought much about it, thinking it was just how the older man acted towards everyone. Probably, it is also the reason why he never even thought to associate such actions with anything but friendship. And he isn’t ignorant to do so, is he? After all, Sho didn’t…

Suddenly realizing that Jun is still waiting for a reaction from him, and that the other idol’s gaze on him is slowly turning suspicious, Nino forces himself to smile carelessly and shrug.

“Maybe they thought it was a good chance to give the fans something finally, but without it ever getting explicit,” he hypothesizes, closing the subject. Honestly, their agency’s motives are the last thing he cares about at the moment.

*

He tries not to think about it, instinctively knowing that he might not be ready for the conclusions that extensive wondering might lead him to. And he succeeds in that, too, for a good few weeks until, bored in the greenroom before a Himitsu filming, he glances through a months-old group interview that got printed in a magazine just recently. One question in particular catches his attention.

‘Who takes care of the others the most in Arashi?’

Four answers line up neatly. All of them – various forms of Matsumoto Jun’s name until the fifth and the last one. His own. He can remember not having to think twice before giving his answer at the time.

‘Sho-chan’

*

“Maru’s role is really cute this time, isn’t it?” Ohno unexpectedly initiates conversation as they try to pass time between takes of a new CM they’re filming.

“More like clueless and one that can’t take a hint. The girl makes no secret of the fact that she’s not interested in going on that date with him,” Nino answers, yawning. His schedule’s been pretty hectic lately, what with so many building-roads-at-night scenes.

“She’s interested in him alright, she’s just afraid to take the risk on him. It’s just a matter of time before she realizes that the reason she does it for is not worth it,” Ohno disagrees quickly and Nino snorts.

“Since when do you even watch our dramas anyway? Jun might get jealous if he hears this after you’ve made so clear you didn’t watch even one episode of his,” he says, instead of continuing the discussion about the intricacies of Maru’s role.

Twenty minutes later, Sho joins them and gives them the news that the director thinks they should be done in half an hour.

“You have a few hours free after that, right?” he asks, turning to Nino, as always knowing their schedules by heart, “I don’t have anything planned either, want to go get something to eat? I’ll pay,” he adds, aware that it’s the only way that Nino would ever agree. But the younger man is suddenly hyper-aware of Jun’s words, for the first time fearing that even something like this might start up rumours.

“I’ll pass,” he declines casually, trying not to notice the way Sho’s smile drops or the intensity with which Ohno’s gaze drills into him.

*

All that he wants to do as he makes his way into the studio that day is to turn right around and go back home so he can curl up on his bed and sleep the pain off, even though he knows it never actually works that way. But he’s a professional so he just smiles and greets everyone and only realizes he had his arm behind his back, pressing into the aching spot in a hopeless search of relief, once he collapses onto a chair in the greenroom. He curses inwardly and tries to move it away without getting noticed, but he knows it is too late when he senses a concerned gaze fixated on him. He doesn’t check who it comes from, but his heart tells him that he already knows the answer anyway.

His thoughts get interrupted once the script for today’s show reaches his hands and he almost lets a loud groan pass through his lips when he sees which games his name is written under. Cliff Climb is challenging even at the best of times, but when his back is throwing a hissy fit…

The feeling of dread stays with him as they prepare to start filming, the staff of the show running around, making some last-moment changes while Arashi members greet the other team politely in the backstage before walking out in front of the audience and start. The fact that Sho chooses to bring up the special of his recently finished drama as the topic of today to try and draw him into the conversation, proves to Nino that the older man knows. He pushes the unreasonable irritation away as he forces himself to get into the humorous mood that is required for VS Arashi and give an appropriate answer.

It’s as they are moving sets between the segments that the expected interference comes, more subtle than Nino expected it to be. Sho is just passing by, still chuckling at something funny from the conversation that he is walking away from, when he stops beside Nino, acting like he does it just out of a passing thought.

“Ah, Nino, I’ll do two sections during the Climb today, okay? I think it’s about time for me to push myself on the wall again,” he asks. Nino raises a slightly incredulous eyebrow as he knows is expected of him, but inside his mind he is annoyed at his own weakness and at how relieved he feels to hear this.

“Un,” he agrees anyway, knowing he doesn’t really have a choice.

It is only when he states their plan for the climb today in front of the cameras and causes a rapture of laughter from the audience that it actually hits him that the older man volunteered to completely embarrass himself in front of everyone again. It’s nothing new – they’re idols and publically humiliate themselves daily, but this time Sho is doing it for his sake, and that suddenly means the world to Nino.

When Sho descends back to the mattresses after the fiasco of his attempt, managing to keep his expression ridiculously proud of himself despite his obvious failure and the continuous laughter of the crowd, Nino battles with shame inside his own body. But when he notices the judging glances of the two people from the instructor stand, aimed at Sho, Nino feels a surge of protectiveness push it to the side.

“You did good, Sho-chan,” he says, even if the words are still being drowned out by the audience’s mocking reactions, “You got quite a lot, you tried well,” he continues, as Kaga-san asks rhetorically what exactly is Sho lacking to fail like this and Leader’s answer of ‘Everything’ sends people into a new bout of cackles. Sho takes it like a champ, but as the cameras cut out in preparation for the following game and the staff start ushering people, Nino knows to give him a gentle smile, “You did great.”

The older man looks sincerely surprised by the unexpected kindness, but his sunny grin once he recovers and accepts it makes Nino’s heart burn. If something so little can make Sho so happy, Nino promises to himself that he’ll step up his game from now on.

He feels no irritation anymore even as Sho’s concern-filled gaze continues to hover over him for the rest of the filming.

*

The article in the magazine in the Himitsu greenroom two months later quotes a questionary that is very recent.

‘Who in Arashi shows kindness most readily?’

Among the four mentions of Ohno Satoshi, Nino’s name is mixed in and it seems very out of place. He stares at it with his heart beating wildly in his chest and he tells himself that it is from apprehension and not anything different. Perhaps changing the long-lasting dynamics in the group wasn’t that good of an idea. People might notice.

*

It does get noticed, but at a different time and from a different angle than expected.

“Sho-chan asked me to secretly ask you for him if he has done something to make you angry, because you seem to be avoiding him lately,” Aiba tells him without preamble as he sits down next to him in the otherwise still empty van. Nino’s eyes bulge in surprise and he stutters, obviously flustered.

“You’re not doing it very secretly,” he points out, evading the question itself for now, but Aiba just waves him off.

“He asked me, he had to know what he would get. So?” the other idol seems honestly interested in his answer, and that makes it all the worse because this means Aiba has noticed the change himself too. Nino curses himself for being so obvious, but stubbornly tries to deny it anyway.

“I haven’t been avoiding him, just busy,” he says, turning his attention back to his DS and flushing immediately when he realizes that the fact that he has time to be playing sort of contradicts his excuse entirely. Aiba’s skeptical gaze shows that the older man didn’t miss this either, but he’s nice enough to not point it out. He brings up other stuff instead though.

“Too busy for Sho-chan exclusively,” he says with more sarcasm in his voice than Nino thought him capable of, “Busier than you were when filming three movies at the same time,” he presses on mercilessly and Nino snaps his console closed , dropping it to his lap and rubs his face with his hands, agitated.

“Look, I’m not angry at him for anything,” he grounds out finally, “I’ve just had some stuff on my mind and… I’m not sure how to deal with it.”

“Some stuff that involves Sho?” Aiba asks, serious and concerned now. Nino nods, giving up on denying it, but doesn’t volunteer any more details, “Should I worry? Should we worry?” the older man continues and Nino immediately feels relief. If he’s asking this, it means he doesn’t intend to meddle further unless Nino wants him to.

“No, it’s fine,” he says, although he knows it isn’t, for some reason he doesn’t quite understand, “I’ll figure it out. Tell Sho-chan… Tell him I didn’t even notice I was doing it and that it’s nothing, okay?” he asks hopefully and Aiba looks at him closely for a long moment before finally giving a slow nod.

*

There’s no use trying not to think about it anymore after that, especially when Nino feels like he has to stop avoiding Sho again unless he wants to provoke a member-intervention anyway.

It would take him to be a blind man not to notice how happy the older man is to have his friend’s normal behaviour back, and he shows it by showering him with even more attention than ever. It is only now that Nino allows himself to truly notice that it’s not just in Sho’s character to treat all people this way. He mothers over every member, when the situation calls for it, but the number of little things he does for Nino far exceeds what he does for others combined. He also notices that it is always done in a way that the others are unlikely to see it. Nino is the only one in the position to do so, and until now, he has been subconsciously choosing not to.

He still thinks he isn’t ready to make conclusions from it, but he has this impending feeling that he won’t be able to postpone it for much longer.

*

Perhaps ironically, a lot of Nino’s musings about the situation so far have been provoked by everyone but Sho. Somehow, he just knows this won’t continue anymore when a can of hot coffee is set on the table in front of him, and he sees Sho’s face peering down at him with a slightly apprehensive smile when he looks up. Nino was just about to try and find someone to manipulate to buy one for him, so it’s perfect timing, like always. And it’s only fair, he thinks as he stifles another yawn, that the reason for his recent disturbed sleep is the one who shoulders this duty without even being prompted.

“You’re drinking far too much of it. We worry, you know,” the older man comments, sitting down beside him on the loveseat when Nino indirectly gives him all the permission he needs by appreciatively picking up the beverage and opening it with the distinctive click.

“Feeding my addiction is a weird way to try and get me to cut down on it.”

“I worry, but I want you to continue liking me,” Sho shrugs, “Denying you coffee seems like it would threaten that again. I’m a wimp,” he admits without shame and Nino itches to comment on the usage of the word “again”, but doesn’t, and realizes he might be a wimp too. He takes a sip to make the lack of an immediate answer a bit less obvious.

He doesn’t know how to act around Sho anymore. After swinging from being overly attentive to the man to mostly ignoring him and then back again in the past couple of months, he has confused even himself. He has no idea how Sho must feel because it’s obvious the older idol has noticed all of the erratic behavior but knows none of the reasons behind it. It’s a mess. And Nino is happy to continue blaming Jun for the entirety of it.

“That’s part of your charm though, Sho-chan,” he finally answers, his voice as light and teasing as ever, “Your wimpiness. It’s a good thing,” he adds quickly as if to reassure, “And it also gets me free coffee every once in a while when I need it.”

“Glad to help you out,” Sho laughs and Nino hums in acknowledgement. His heart is stuck in his throat for some reason and it’s hard to get the coffee down.

“You’re good at doing that,” he adds after a minute passes of them sitting side by side and not making a move to actually use the time productively, “Surprisingly good, even. It’s like the one thing you actually don’t fail at.”

“That’s a mean thing to say,” Sho answers, but there’s no offence in the statement at all. In fact, he’s smiling.

“Mean is something I’m good at,” Nino answers with his usual shamelessness. It’s almost like he isn’t feeling faint with the realization that this conversation is far more serious and important than it might seem, “Surprisingly so. Which begs the question if you are sure you want to be helping someone like me?”

“Pretty sure yeah,” Sho answers before Nino even really finishes his question. “It’s not really a choice, to be honest,” he admits, with all the implications that the words carry with them. Nino swallows another gulp of coffee in an attempt to dislodge his heart from his throat with no avail. The tension and expectations in the air around them make it hard to breathe, but also makes the younger man feel like the mess in his head finally found what it needed to start clearing out.

“I had this one conversation with Jun a while ago…” Nino starts, not really knowing why he’s mentioning it.

“Oh?”

“Yeah. About Maru,” he says first in avoidance and can’t fault Sho when the man raises his eyebrows at him for it, “And Yamatarou,” he thus rushes to justify his mentioning this, “And uhm, I think Jun called it ‘JE’s homophobic tendencies’?”

“Oh,” Sho looks uncomfortable now and Nino swears that this is the most awkward conversation he has ever participated in, “They have those, true.”

Nino nods.

“It made me think a lot. And realize some things,” he says and then falls silent as he is unsure how to continue.

“Good things?... Bad?...” Sho prompts him after a while and Nino ponders for full three seconds before he answers.

“Good. Very,” he says, truthfully. He carries his heart in his throat after all. He raises his eyes to meet Sho’s unwaveringly and very meaningfully, “Definitely very good.”

All things considered, if it leads him to such realizations, perhaps he should talk with Jun more often. But not now. Or any time soon, for that matter. Right now, his mouth is busy with other things.

Comments

[yamasho.livejournal.com]

i always love yamadataro
indeed minura must be in love with taro cuz the way he watch him
thanks for sharing this how to hear more from you

[radhaj.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I'll try post as soon as I can :)