Sweet Deal

[radhaj]

Title: Sweet Deal
Pairings: none
Rating: G
Disclaimer: I couldn't afford going to the L'20 concerts, how would I ever afford getting the members?
Warnings: stupid and pointless. Would be crack, but not funny. Looooooooooooooong, run-on sentences
Summary: The rules won't ever change.


Sweet Deal

There are three rules in L'Arc~en~Ciel recordings that, while sometimes not exactly obvious, everyone and their staff members know not to disregard under any circumstances

Rule #1: One does not wake up Tetsuya from his naps.

The bassist is prone to forgetting sleep exists and is a vital activity for his body's continued function for more prolonged periods of time than their resident android-drummer sometimes. Whether the lapses of memory in this regard are voluntary or forced by the never-ending duties of the band leader rarely matters, as when the youngest member of the band is woken, the only factors of essential importance are the length of the perpetrator's legs and the level of their immunity to the leader-death-glare-of-doom(TM). Fortunately, this rule is hard to break anyway in absence of a bucket full of cold water (given the man's ability to sleep through earthquakes) unless you involuntary create a situation of false alarm around the bassist where the leader's (also patented) sixth sense unavoidably kicks him awake and ready to act/manage/lead/solve/worry before he realizes the alarm is actually false and starts searching for a person to blame.

Rule #2: Do not joke about Hyde's masculinity when he can hear you
It usually ends up with the tiny man pouting or doing stupid things to prove the statements wrong and horribly effects the singer's productivity. Vocal recordings or lyrics' writing come to a halt, the other band members become annoyed (Tetsuya) or join in with the teasing (Ken) or just generally try to avoid being in the vicinity of the annoyed members (Yukihiro) and that ends up ruining the recording altogether. There's a legend about a staff member that got fired after not learning his lesson after the first two times.

Rule #3: One does not give Yukihiro any sugar-containing food and/or allow him to consume it if they notice him having brought any himself.

This particular rule has been added a year or so after the skinny man joined the band, after a sufficient amount of time was spent observing and determining the correlation between the level of the drummer's blood sugar combined with cigarettes recently smoked and the number of times he attempts to record a song before he's satisfied. And while all three other members as well as their producer, to a point, appreciate how meticulous and perfectionist the oldest man in the band is about his job, they all have limits to their patience. Especially when they themselves are satisfied at the first take. Forcing the year-long-band-member but very-long-time-cigarette-consumer to quit the smoking habit seemed a hopeless endeavor, thus it was voted by the majority (as in: one to all-but-one) that sugar had to go.

There were protests of course. Yukihiro was not a child and surely was allowed to make decisions like this for himself which he made sure to state out loud (or as loud as he stated anything) as often as he could. The other members always wholeheartedly agreed and just as completely ignored it. Any of the drummer's later attempts of consuming sweets or sugar-containing beverages by himself in secret were usually thwarted by suddenly very observant and constantly present people beside him. The thought of just doing so before he even came into the studio Yukihiro pushed away himself. That would be immature.

After a few days of thinking (obsessing) over it, the man finally decided to just give in. His bandmates had a point, after all, and giving up his addiction just for recordings and, at that, only the ones where drums were recorded seemed doable enough.
And indeed, he did manage to do so. For years, this routine didn't change at all and single after album after single were recorded, all without a hitch. Until, once upon a hiatus, came the news that Hyde quit smoking. And more-so, he did it by (if rumours were to be trusted as busy schedules didn't allow Yukihiro meet with the vocalist often enough for them to start discussing the particulars of it) temporarily exchanging it with an addiction to sweets. The situation rung too many bells in the drummer's head so it was unavoidable that a strangely ominous feeling settled in his guts. He didn't even know what exactly he expected to happen until he visited the office building of their label because of some bureaucratic business he had to attend to and unexpectedly bumped into Tetsu while there. However, the bassist seemed far less surprised by the accidental meeting than the drummer, if his satisfied smile was anything to judge by, and even seemed like he might have stalked the place purposely just to catch his friend.

“Yukki-san, funny meeting you here,” the younger man greeted enthusiastically and not really attempting to hide the fact that the other's suspicions about how much their meeting had happened by chance were in every way correct, “Lucky too as I've been meaning to talk with you...”

When set on something, the leader could sometimes seem rather overwhelming to people, especially people as quiet as Yukihiro, and thus the drummer barely even noticed before he was out of the building in some fancy restaurant, perplexedly staring at the plate of food that was suddenly before him on the table yet he could not remember ordering.

“Have you heard that Hyde stopped smoking?” the other man started speaking, unflustered by his companion's confused state and further reaffirming the skinny man's suspicions about the particulars and reasons of their “impromptu” meeting. The drummer shifted uncomfortably on his chair and opened his mouth to answer, but before even a sound left his mouth the other continued on talking by himself, “Now I've been thinking... And of course, this is just an offer... a deal, even, if you will. I know you smoke more than him, but he's been into the habit for a longer time – please eat, Yukki-san, the food will get cold – but you must admit that if he managed to quit, it makes one think that it should be possible for you to quit as well,” the drummer, startled by the unexpected urging to eat suddenly took up the utensils and, after staring stupidly at the knife and fork for a second, had obeyed the almost-order. Thus he now had a mouth full of food and couldn't really take advantage of the pause in the flood of words coming from the bassist to squeeze in some (any) words in response and instead chewed slowly while pondering about possible influences that taught the leader to completely hijack a conversation like that with the help of such a fluent stream of words. By the time the older man swallowed what was in his mouth, the other was already talking again.

“Everybody knows how much I hate smoke and smoking and smokers, so you should not be surprised by this, I suppose. And I know you probably think that nothing has changed for you anyway now and there is no reason for you to change your mind about whether to try quitting yourself or not. But just think about it, Yukki-san. With one less person to share the habit, there will be less temptation to join somebody for a smoke. That should make it easier, right? And it's Hyde! Isn't that at least a bit inspiring?” most people knew the drummer respected the vocalist for unknown reasons probably a bit more than every other member did and the bassist was apparently shamelessly using that fact now, “And even more,” apparently the leader wasn't done yet, and leaned in forward a bit, making Yukihiro stop mid-bite and stare back at the other, “If you quit, I would remove the no-sweets rule.”

The drummer choked, once again feeling reduced to a child, bribed with sweets, but before he could catch his breath to argue, the younger man offered him a glass of water out of seemingly nowhere to help him recover and talked further.

“I know, I know the two things aren't really interchangeable and sweets hardly make up for cigarettes. However, as you well know, the rule was instated because both sweets and cigarettes together for you were out of the question. And it's a bit of a... consolation, isn't it? Extra motivation, maybe? I would much prefer that addiction to a habit that is so harmful to your health, not to mention smells incredibly unpleasantly, and you should too. Once again, it is just an offer. Nothing more. No pressure,” but somewhere in the back of his mind Yukihiro could still hear an “or else” even though he knew there was nothing else.

Except for the fact that the bassist's words were true. As they often were.

The drummer had already played with the idea of quitting after he heard about Hyde (it wasn't exactly that the drummer overly respected him or looked up to him, the skinny man argued with nobody in his mind, the tiny singer was just fascinating and it wasn't Yukihiro's fault that he had less time to become immune to the effect the vocalist had on influencing people than the other members) and, as embarrassing as it was, the bassist's offer of a compromise might just have been the last push he needed. He wasn't childish, he just liked to be able to access to his chocolates as he wished, dammit! He needed to get energy from somewhere after all.

And so the long and trying journey began. Having, unsuccessfully, tried to quit before, Yukihiro knew very well he'd have to be forceful with it. He found out about every advised way to go about quitting it possible, consulted professionals and tried out every means on offer, but though it had been trying and, at times, embarrassing, it was worth it in the end. After a hard and frustrating struggle, by the time the band was reassembled for a mid-hiatus recording of a single, the drummer could proudly state he was two-months clean. And no nicotine patches either! After congratulatory slaps on the back from some and betrayed looks from a certain guitarist the skinny man decided he deserved to spoil himself a bit and took out a bottle of coke. Just what he felt he needed. Only before he could even take a sip, the bottle was quickly snatched away from his grip by a seemingly amused and tsking Hyde.

“Really, Yukki? The hiatus hasn't lasted long enough for you to forget such simple rules, has it? I thought we were past this already years ago. We haven't yet decided on the schedule, so you might have to lay down the first drumming tracks today even,” he reprimanded him mildly, and Yukihiro blinked.

“B-but, Hyde-kun...” Oh, of course! The deal had been between him and Tetsuya after all, so the vocalist had no way of knowing about the change of rules yet. The skinny man turned to the leader expectantly but to his further surprise, the younger man was also shaking his head as if having forgot about his offer from before.

“We should not even get into this again now, Yukki-san. The deadlines are really pressing this time, no time to dwindle and argue about such details. Let's proceed.”

The skinny man was shocked into silence by this and, as silence was his normal state anyway, the others simply took it for his assent and moved on with the discussion of the song they were to record and the drummer himself was soon swept away by work, unable to sneak in any other non-song related discussions.

It was at the end of the day, when both Hyde and Ken had left and every staff member that still lingered was preoccupied with "cleaning up" after the rehearsal that the drummer took his chance to approach the bassist again with an ever-blank face that, to everyone who knew the skinny man any better, still managed to betray how indignant he was feeling.

"Tetsu-kun..." The older member of the band addressed the leader, old habits dying hard and his mind still quite undecided on the issue of how to call his friend now, not to mention quite preoccupied at the moment with slightly more pressing matters. But the younger man didn't even need to hear him out before formulating an answer to his query.

"Please excuse me, Yukki-san," the completely unrepentant man said immediately as he turned to face his friend, biting the tip of his tongue secretly to stop himself from grinning cheekily, "I'm afraid that in the time that passed between my offer and now, I have changed my mind about it," he continued, "Of course, I will understand if that makes you decide to go back to smoking, but..."

"You must be kidding me!" The drummer almost choked on his own words, the syllables coming out rather muffled from his mouth as a result and thus not gathering attention from their staff at the uncharacteristic for the quiet man outburst. Luckily, none of them glanced their way by chance either, otherwise they'd have still turned curious because of the wide-eyed and disbelieving expression that now graced the usually impassive face, "There is no way I'll go back to smoking now!"

Of course he wouldn't. After a months-long struggle, specifically designated and rather uncomfortable psychological courses, countless strategies tried out, nicotine patches and gum... How could he possibly throw away all that now and go back to the god-forsaken habit? Unexpectedly for Yukihiro however, instead of showing any surprise at his quiet exclamation the slightly taller man let go off the final pretence of being apologetic and grinned.

"Precisely," he answered smugly and threw his bag over his shoulder, cheerfully heading for the door and leaving the flabbergasted drummer behind, "Sleep well, Yukki-san. See you again tomorrow!"

The skinny man sputtered alone, unmoving from his spot for a whole minute before finally managing to collect his jaw from the floor and sigh in helpless surrender. After all, there are three things in L'Arc~en~Ciel recordings that everyone and their staff members know to not ever expect to change:

Fact #1: Ken will never stop smoking unless every single cigarette on the planet earth, together with every tobacco plant in existence, will suddenly disappear. It was actually the only situation where someone could completely withstand the bassist's glare of death even in the leader's immediate vicinity: if the guitarist felt a particularly nasty craving for a smoke he would have it no matter what.

Fact #2: Hyde's stomach is a bottomless pit and will forever be one of the biggest expenditures during the recordings, right after studio rent and staff wages. A broken guitar is normally a far smaller problem than a vocalist who believes he didn't get a proper amount of nourishment during lunch hour.

Fact #3: Despite random bouts of cheekiness, childishness, untimely pouting and other un-leader-like and inappropriate behaviour one should never, ever underestimate how ruthlessly manipulative and crafty Tetsuya can be when it suits him.

However...

The drummer huffed to himself and turned to leave himself. Even Yukihiro could sometimes feel vengeful. And even without both tobacco and sugar, he'd make sure to break any records of the number of drumming takes in this particular recording.