[Arashi] [Sakumiya] Her Silver Lining

[radhaj]

Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Those people are not mine. Damn.
Warnings: Transgender character. Sexy stuffs later on. Nothing super kinky this time. Maybe
Summary: The job might not be the most prestigious and by far not something she had envisioned herself doing to support herself at this point of her life. But perhaps this whole thing was exactly what she needed to finally feel confident in who she was.
Note: This is it - the second to last chapter. I hope you'll enjoy it although it was a bit of a struggle for me to write it up...


Chapter 11

Despite knowing that Nino was waiting for her, Shouko found herself offering help with cleaning up to the manor staff. Partly because she felt guilty for being mostly useless earlier that night while the other maids did most of the work. But also partly because she wasn't sure she was ready to face him when her head was bursting with thoughts and confusion.

But all the plates eventually got washed and the tablecloths were put away to laundry and thus Shouko changed her clothes and got ready to leave as well. She took a familiar trip up the stairs and winced when she heard a door slam, the sound coming from the hallway that led to Nino's room, and then hurried, angry steps as Ninomiya Kazuko strode past her to the other end of the mansion, not giving the out-of-place maid any attention.

Shouko could guess what the other woman's mood was all about, but when she finally reached her boyfriend's door, the voice that answered her soft knock was surprisingly calm and collected, not betraying any frustration at all.

“Come in.”

Shouko opened the door timidly, not even really able to look at him once she entered the room. From shame, from guilt...

“Hey,” Nino immediately intoned gently, taking the few steps that separated them and cupped her cheeks with his hands, trying to get her to look up, “Why is it that I can't see your pretty face properly? What's wrong, Choko-chan? It's over now, they're gone. It will be fine now...”

There must have been something between her body feeling like it could finally let go the tension inside in his presence and his caring voice that finally made her break down. The safety of his arms was immediately surrounding her as the first tears started falling and her sobs were muffled by his shoulder and he stroked over her back comfortingly.

“I'm sorry,” she finally pressed out after a while of just letting it all flow out of her and once she was a bit calmer again.

“What for?” Nino's voice sounded genuinely confused.

“For... For the fact that this got your mother angry at you. For the fact that you had to go through it because of my parents. For... for ruining your shirt again,” she recited, her chest filling with more and more self-resentment with each word. But then there were hands gripping her upper arms, pushing her slightly away simply so that Nino could look her in the eyes.

“Shouko,” he stated very seriously, “None of that is your fault. Okay? None of it. And even if it somehow were, I would still gladly deal with it for you. Now, I'm going to change very quickly while you wash your face, and then we'll go to your home where we'll get some hot cocoa into you and you'll feel more comfortable and we can deal with this better. How does that sound to you?”

It sounded like more than she ever deserved. But she still ended up nodding her head.

The trip to her apartment was mostly spent in silence as both of them wanted to wait for a warmer and cozier atmosphere before they tackled the serious subjects. The radio was on, the volume low, and Shouko's fingers nervously fiddled with the handkerchief he had handed to her when it became apparent that her tears just refused to stop completely. At least, with a car and with how comparatively empty the streets were at the late hour, it didn't take them long to reach their destination.

For once, Shouko didn't even bother trying to care about the fact that her apartment was messy. He had to be used to it by now anyway.

“Just sit down, okay? I'll take care of making us something,” Nino urged her once their shoes and jackets were off and she tiptoed to the loveseat, bringing her sock-clad feet up. She sniffled while he busied himself in her tiny kitchen, filling the small room with the sweet smell of the promised beverage before he returned to her side, handing one of the big, steaming mugs over. She sipped it carefully, and sighed, relaxing a bit more, when the chocolate-y taste touched her tongue. Seeing this, her boyfriend smiled, satisfied, and made himself just as comfortable beside her. But he didn't speak, obviously leaving it up to her to bring up what was bothering her. But there was so much to choose from...

“I guess,” she spoke up, finally deciding on a starting point, “A small part of me... a naïve, childish part that still believes something good might somehow come from it, actually hoped they would recognize me,” she confessed, letting a laugh with absolutely no humor in it escape her lips at her own silliness, “But I only realized it after my mother so easily dismissed me even after coming face to face with me.”

There was a moment of thoughtful silence and then Nino shifted so he could press his side to hers supportively.

“That's understandable,” he responded then in a low voice, “It's human nature to seek approval from our parents. But the way I see it... they've given up on their right to be your parents. I know it hurts, but clinging to them in such a way will hurt you even more in the long term. Because they'll continue to disappoint in ways far deeper and more unjustified than they think you've disappointed them. So you don't have to feel responsible for the things that they do anymore and that's why you shouldn't apologize to me for the fact that I had to go through meeting them. They're separate people who don't have any hold over you.”

Shouko just curled up more onto herself, Almost a physical pain piercing her chest as the reality of his words hit her.

“They still support me financially,” she argued feebly but he instantly shook his head.

“That is not support. Those are bribes,” he stated strongly, making her wince back a little, “They're bribing you to not reveal what they view to be their shameful secret to the world. To stay away. Shouko-chan, you know that. You told me that yourself, just a few days ago, in this very spot,” he reminded her, lifting one hand to brush away another tear that was sliding down her cheek, “I can't possibly understand how you feel, of course. My own problems with my family seem ridiculous in comparison. So perhaps I have no place giving you advice. But I still think that... you should take this experience as a sign that it's time to let them go. As much as it hurts and is unfair, they're not changing their decision. And that means you don't owe them any love or respect or anything at all. “

He fell silent then, letting her mind absorb everything he had said so directly and not holding back. The words he had chosen were harsh and she partly indeed wanted to lash out at him, to tell him he had no right, that he couldn't possibly know what it was like for her. ..

But she was struck speechless because the words reached their goal. They made her realize that, unlike she had thought, she had not yet moved on. The fact that she wanted to tell him he was wrong was proof enough. Because he wasn't. He was absolutely right. She had to let go. And that was a lot to take in.

And yet, the thing that surprised her the most was that despite the shocking realization, her thoughts still strayed away to other subjects. More precisely – to the guilt. To feeling inadequate and needy and forcing Nino to take care of her now. To the fact that the young man would have never thought twice about the visitors his family entertained today if it weren't for him being involved with her.

To the realization that her parents were the sort of company that a Ninomiya heir would be expected to keep, and if she was almost the opposite of them... Her relationship with Nino would put an incredible strife in his family if it were to be discovered.

She was not worth that.

The thought was persistent, not letting go once it struck. Without even noticing it in her thoughtful silence, she shifted a little away from Nino's welcoming arms, staring at the brownish liquid in her mug as her mind became further centred on the thought. She shouldn't be so selfish. Nino was kind and easily looked past things that other men would never accept. It was unlikely she would ever find someone else like him. But it was no doubt that his relationship to her would never bring anything but trouble into the man's own life. Who was she to repay his kindness by bringing further strain to his family?

“Be it as it may,” she finally spoke up again, now having completely convinced herself, “As much as I should now work on accepting the fact that my family is no longer mine... It doesn't mean your life should suffer because of me too,” she said, her voice trembling a little as she made herself look up at her boyfriend with hollow eyes. He looked a little startled, apparently finding the weird change of subject unexpected.

“My life only got better after you entered it, not worse,” he responded immediately however, not needing to think about it as if the answer came naturally to him. But he was, she realized as she shook her head sorrowfully, as much in denial as she had been.

“That's not true, and you know it,” she said determinedly, “You're always getting stuck with taking care of me. Your whole evening – and days previous to it too, really, – has been ruined by something you wouldn't have even payed attention to if it weren't for me. Your behavior at the table, which angered your mother so strongly, was influenced by your knowledge of me and...”

“So you think I'd be better off being ignorant of it and acting friendly with such people although they deserve nothing of the sort?” He didn't seem angered, yet, but he definitely didn't seem pleased either as he straightened his back.

“I think your life would be less complicated, yes,” she shot back quickly, “Aside for making me feel supported, it's not like you can change anything by it, so isn't it better to just not get into something so troublesome?”

“Why can't supporting you be reason enough?”

“Because I'm not worth it!” she half-exclaimed, revealing her actual thoughts. Her voice which had, like his, progressively got louder as the argument went on, broke at the end of the sentence, “Because this is not going anywhere,” she stated then, feeling the bitterness of how truthful the words were as they left her mouth. For a few seconds there was silence again.

“Who decided that?” he asked, looking pale and almost frightfully calm.

“Noone has to. It's obvious. Your parents obviously share their views with mine. When our relationship becomes known – and it will, if it continues longer – what do you think your family's reaction will be?” she asked sadly, “Do you think they would ever allow it? Their son, dating a... someone who, to their understanding, used to be a man?” she forced herself to say it directly, “Not only that, but someone who is disowned and dishonored. Some no-name freak of nature that lives in poverty? They'll stop at nothing to break us up! What's the use of continuing this relationship if its end is already predetermined?”

“You're assuming I would ever care about it,” he disagreed completely, “I'll leave that family in an instant if that's what will be needed. This is hardly the first time our opinions would clash and, by far, not the only thing in my life that might cause me to leave them behind completely.”

“But I don't want to be that cause,” she whispered, averting her eyes and sitting up properly so she could put her mug away onto the magazine table before her. She took a deep breath, trying to strengthen her resolve to go through with this, “I don't want to have it weighing on my conscience. You becoming as estranged to your family as I am to mine...”

“It wouldn't be your fault. You are not responsible for my parents' outdated ways and you are not responsible for my decision. Which is what it would be if it ever happened. My decision,” he repeated, trying to reach her somehow with his now pleading words. But she was shaking her head again.

“I will not allow myself to ruin your life,” she said stubbornly, “I just don't think it's logical to continue this. I think,” she swallowed, and forced herself to look him in the eyes once more, “I think we should break-up, Ninomiya-san.”

Although she didn't stumble over the words as she feared she would, the moment the words left her mouth, she simply broke down inwardly. And although she knew it completely undetermined the strength and resolve in her very strict statement, she just couldn't help it. This hurt too much. Tears started flowing ceaselessly and she had to bury her face in her hands so he wouldn't see how pathetic she actually was. But she couldn't take the words back. At least it was done now. The worst part was over.

Or so she tried to convince herself, but the silence that crashed onto the room once she had said her part felt awful. Nino didn't move, seemingly frozen in spot, his face drained of any color and the only movement in the room was her shaking shoulders as her body was rocked by quiet sobs. But this was for the better, right? She was doing the responsible thing and...

“I think, for the sake of both of us, it would be better if we pretended you didn't say that now,” his voice tore her out of her thoughts again and she snapped her face upwards to stare at him. What was he?... Couldn't he just accept her wish now?

“D-don't make me repeat it,” she whispered brokenly, “It hurt enough to say it once-”

“Then don't try to say it again,” he said as a matter of factly, “Shouko-chan,” he sighed then, shifted closer and, after a moment of hesitation, put a gentle hand on her knee, squeezing it softly, “I don't think it's just my sense of self-importance and conceitedness that makes me believe you don't actually want us to separate. Don't think I would push myself back onto you if I felt, even for a moment, that you honestly don't want to be with me anymore. It is not my lack of respect for your feelings that mademe say I will ignore your words just now,” he spoke surprisingly calmly, considering how surprised he had been just moments ago, “You had a horrible, tiring day. You might even be in a mild state of shock. It's not unheard of to be making hasty decisions in such a situation, and I honestly can't see this as anything but that.”

It was all too tempting for Shouko to just give in, to accept Nino's reassurances and take back her words. At least until her emotions, so chaotic after the day, calmed down a bit. But...

“Even if that was true, it wouldn't change the fact that I spoke the truth as well,” she pointed out weakly and Nino sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“The only truth that exists is that my family won't be satisfied by anyone I would ever choose as a partner,” he stated with complete assuredness in his words, “The girls my mother would wish me to settle down with are all from snobby families that have never worked a day in their lives, know nothing about hardships, don't have any ambition in life other than to marry into a rich family and share none of my interests. Believe me, I've been forced to meet with a few candidates. Do you really think I would be happy with someone like that?” he asked her, and she felt her lips curling into a small smile at the imagination of him trying to have a nice relationship with someone who was like he had just described.

“No. But-”

“There are no buts,” he cut her off impatiently, “Look, Shouko-chan, you're doing this because you worry about infringing on my happiness, right? But even if a miracle happened and I managed to find someone whom I like or at least tolerate well enough and who passed my family's standards... Even if there was some magical girl in the world that was able to strike that balance... she still wouldn't make me as happy as you do for one simple reason,” he explained, managing to meet her eyes before he said his last sentence, “Because I love you and not anyone else.”

At first she thought she misheard. After all, a caring note and feelings implied by it was one thing, but saying it outright?... However, the way he was looking at her earnestly after his confession, waiting for some sort of reaction quickly convinced her that her ears had not just malfunctioned.

She opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. The mixture of feelings that overwhelmed her suddenly was simply indescribable and she felt almost faint. He smiled a little, however, and continued talking, using her momentary speechlessness.

“I'm not saying this as some sort of emotional blackmail. I'm not trying to tie you to me, to make you think it would be insensitive of you to leave me when I feel this way. Perhaps you even think me silly to say I love you when we've known each other for such a short while, but these are my real feelings. Honestly, you've captured my heart almost from the first day we've met. I just... I just want to make you understand that if you are determined to base your decision on whatever would make me happier... then you couldn't be more wrong than to think my happiness depends on my family. Because it depends on you and only you. Do you understand, Shouko-chan?”

How could she not? Speechless or not, her head buzzing with shock or not, she could still discern the sincerity in his words. The voice inside her head, the one that had guided her this entire time, telling her she was undeserving and was supposed to push him away because she was supposed to feel miserable was suddenly silenced. How could she be undeserving when someone like Nino loved her?

“Yes,” she finally whispered in response, “I understand...”

His face was split by a smile so elated that she immediately knew she had made the right decision. It was time for her to close the past now. To move on from her family, to let go the need of their approval. And most importantly of all – to find approval of her own self.

But with Nino beside her, she knew she was on the right track for that.

Note #2: Please don't forget to leave a comment if you enjoyed this :) Or if you have complaints - concrit is also always welcome :)
Btw, slightly beside the point, I think I'll mostly stop posting fic updates on communities. It's just too much of a bother. So if possible, please add this journal if you want to see updates on your f-list. I don't post anything but fanfics on here anyway so it's not like I'm gonna spam your feed :)